Big Idea:
Stuck In a Bird's Cage by Tane
"SLAM"!, shouted the loud, yellow like the sun bird. "You really thought you could get away with 9 mean, rude crimes on me"!! The bird flapped its wings, and before it left, he said, "I'll be back in a few hours, with a shredder to DESTROY YOU"!
The cat was now stuck in an evil looking lab, with posters with plans to get free tickets to the cat's concert. Didn't I mention that Dylan the Cat is a singer? Well, he is. And that was a problem.
He had a concert at 7pm, and as you can see, I am trapped. He sneak leaned closer to the clock. This tick-tock object read 1:47pm. At exactly 4:45pm, the rude, impatient bird arrived with a shredder! The cat felt useless! At the minute the bird flicked the time switch, the bird remembered something.
2 years (Cat Time) ago, Dylan had a Legendary Competition., with the Rockers Prize (1st Prize) being backstage passes to his upcoming concert, Rock n Roll Beats! The bird was one number off, having 'UGA-593', instead of 'UGA-592'.
The cat chucked its paw on the buzzer to call the bird, then said poorly, with tears, "Please let me out. I will let you go to as many concerts as you want. Please"!
The yellow bird felt sorry for the cat, and unleashed the cat on one condition, to let the bird go to all of the concerts for free. The cat and bird became Best Friends and lived happily ever after.
Feedback/FeedForward: I think you did well but you need to not always put descriptive words #Jett
Evaluation: I like how I added lots of detail, but next time I could add more adjectives.
Great hook! You had my interest from the start and kept my interest by using a lot of detail in your writing. It is great to see you made a plan before writing as this helps us to generate ideas and helps us to write stories that make sense. I am left wanting more though...what are the 9 crimes???
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